Mother's Day? It's just like every other day for this household....and that is just fine by me

Today is Mother's Day and guess what....nothing is really different about it for me. I did get flowers and a balloon from the boys via their Aunt J. They are really pretty. Not so sure the rest of the days plans will fall into place.

Since April's release from jail lock down for two years, the boys are catching everything....and I mean everything. First was Scarlet Fever...and that was staggered  So I was caring for two sick boys for about 7 days. We got a week break and after some fun weekend activities they now have another "Virus". I love how everything is a virus these days. That is all I hear from the doctors lately. So no meds for this round. Just the Motrin and Tylenol.

Ayden is going to be a fun kid for sickness'. He hates the tastes of the meds. HATES. So I have to really con him to take the bubble gum Motrin and give Tylenol suppositories. Only in Europe, it seems, do they make Ibuprofen suppositories. That sucks. Gray however will take the meds no problem. Thank goodness.

Last night I had Ayden in the ER with a 105ºF temp and rising. Some kids have seizures at this point so I was freaking out. After some wait time and a chest xray...we were sent home with the word "virus" again. I was a little disappointed as I had been fighting fevers for 5 days. Gray was on the mend aside from some watery diapers and a nice rash to show for it. But Ayden just gripped onto the illness one more day.

So today is Mother's Day....yeah and? Both boys have snotty noses and a cough. Gray coughed so hard he puked...I am so glad I bought a steam cleaner when I found out I was having two. So not so sure today's plans will happen....we shall see.

Building immunities is some rough business. I am beefing up our herbs now as we speak. Elderberry and Samento are on their way.

Here is a good article on having NICU babies and being their Mothers. Came out today for Mother's Day. Mother's Day difficult for NICU Parents.

Last Sunday I watched an Oprah show... Life Class Fatherless Sons. What a wake up call....well, I knew it wouldn't be pretty but it amazed me seeing 150 grown men sitting there shaking their heads "yes" with tears in their eyes as they described the pain of not having their father around. Some didn't have a father at all and some had step dads ..some even adopted by their mother's husband. They all still had an emotion about their biological father who abandoned them. Was I seeing my sons future....I hope not but time will only tell.

I wont quote statistics but I heard stories of emotional instability and financial failures. I heard stories of gangs and jail time. Inadequacy in the work place and in relationships with wives and their own children. A lot of the men said their mom did everything she could and it still wasn't enough. So Oprah really knows how to do Mother's Day up.... A show about the single mothers of fatherless sons.

While I hoped a certain someone would watch this show I know he probably didn't ..he is too much of a coward to face reality, to face his mistakes. He can post on his Facebook how he is going to be a better man and help.... yada yada yada. Its all show. He did it to make himself look and feel better.If its a status update on Facebook it must be true....right? But actions speak louder than words. Of course the status about having sons was deleted. But my sons picture remained his profile picture. Oh and now I am blocked. LOL.

A father who left his wife and daughters gave the excuse that he felt inadequate and not worthy. COPOUT! How selfish of someone to abandoned their children for that reason. GET A THERAPIST!

One thing that I pray is not genetic is the notion that if you don't acknowledge it then it never happened....If I don't say anything then I am not to blame, If I don't reply then I never got it. If I delete it then I am not held responsible. I am seeing this is a paternal trait. Deny deny deny. If I don't acknowledge they were micro preemies and almost died then I don't look like the biggest jerk for not being there. If I don't acknowledge the Child Support piling up then I don't have to worry about it because there is someone to cover my way and I can sit on my butt doing nothing and go on vacations....even go on one while my sons are suffering in the NICU. Deny Deny Deny....out of sight out of mind.

I reached my BS limit and needed to purge.

An Open Letter

I have online friends who share similar stories with me. Our stories revolve around Twin to Twin Transfusion (TTTS). There are 3 outcomes to this awful thing, both babies survive, one baby survives and neither of the babies survive. I have online friends with all three outcomes.

We share a common hope. We hope that no parent suffers what we have suffered. We pray that no babies will suffer from it and we are on our knees begging that every baby survives. We are vigilant in getting awareness out despite resistance to hearing negative stories. The thing is, we cant change our journey. Our story is our story but if we could help another from even paralleling our story then maybe our fear and our loss wasn't in complete vain. Maybe the suffering our children had to go through wasn't in vain.

Recently I heard through the grapevine that a family member was pregnant with twin boys who are supposedly identical. They share a placenta. As a mom who has identical twin sons I felt a great sense of obligation to share what I know and to help her educate herself on "possibilities". I am still waiting to talk to her but given family dynamics that may not happen.

The other parents in this group I belong to often have these dilemmas on how to approach someone we know who is pregnant with twins that share a placenta. We often have that resistance and while it hurts we know we planted a seed and hope that it grows and the parents are aware of "possibilities". We hope that they inquire about TTTS with their doctor and take the necessary steps to make sure it doesn't happen or that it’s caught in time.

Dear Newly Pregnant with Multiples Parents,

How awesome is this? Not one but two babies[Or more]! It's crazy! I was so shocked and had so many emotions laying there on that exam table. Thank goodness I was lying down. There are no other twins in my family so I didn't expect this coming. I was pregnant with twins and they shared a placenta. I was having identical boys.

I was freaked out at first because I had no idea how I was going to do this. I just thought about how I was going to be the size of a house and not able to move. I started to think about my options for their birth. I googled and I went onYouTube. I saw moms in tubs and moms on a labor bed at the hospital. It was a scary and hard decision but I knew that this was a high risk pregnancy. I knew this because my OB automatically sent me to a Perinatologist to be watched closely. I still wanted to see about an all natural birth. I settled on all natural in the hospital as a precaution. People thought I was crazy to want to do this with no epideral. It was what I wanted none the less.

I decided to learn more and found a great book When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads by Dr Barbara Luke. I was so happy to have found this book. I learned about what I should be eating.... 2500 calories a day....oh my. It did discuss TTTS and that protein shakes along with bed rest were good precautions to take. I started to drink Ensure Protein Shakes right away. I figured that this would help with my calories if anything.

I was 25 weeks when I had my last good ultrasound. I was having them every other week to monitor for TTTS and to make sure all was on track. It was a good report and no signs of anything bad. I do remember I was a little concerned with their heart rates not being as close together for the first time. After that day I continued with work and I was taking it easy. Then at 26 weeks I started to "puff up". My legs were swollen and my feet wouldn't fit in my shoes. I ended up in sandals or slippers and eventually socks were too tight. I went from size 14 maternity to 16 maternity in a week. I felt so swollen and uncomfortable.

I came home from work on Monday, two days before I was 27 weeks and I felt bad. I had a bad feeling. I was still swollen and was having a hard time breathing. Baby B was really high up in my rib cage and it was painful. I was seen at the Labor and Delivery Unit just to be told to go home and wait for my ultrasound in two days. The boys heart rates were within normal range so there was no ultrasound done. I wish I demanded one.

Wednesday…..that is a day I will never forget. It was the start of my TTTS journey and the roller coaster ride. Within 5 mins of starting the ultrasound I was told to go to the hospital to be monitored. An amnio reduction was scheduled already as well. I was 27 weeks to the day.

All interventions taken were only temporary fixes and I delivered my sons at 28 weeks as a life saving measure. My body was not safe for them anymore. The rest of the story is scary and heartbreaking but in the end I have two beautiful sons. I want you to have two beautiful babies too.

I write you this letter not to scare you but to help you. I hope that it encourages you to educate yourself and to know that your journey may not go as planned. I hope it does though. I hope that you never hear those words, Twin to Twin Transfusion. I hope that you go full term and never see the inside of a NICU. I hope that when you leave the hospital or birth center that your babies are leaving with you. The TTTS Community doesn't want any more members….neither does the NICU Community. These are “clubs” you don’t want to belong to. Should you become one of us, know that I am a support for you as I know all too well what it’s like. I pray that our stories do not parallel except for where I am now….watching my two boys growing up.

I hope that this letter encourages you to seek information. Please know that it is written with love.

TTTS Mom